pink weddings magazine » 79
Ask FondA
your family who aren’t invited. Alternatively, if the
friends/family you dislike are poor, or have too
many kids for your liking, tell them you’re getting
married in Hawaii. Then throw the wedding on the
beach in Hastings in July; your guests would look
convincing as the sunlight dances gently on the
waves in the background of your pictures. Just make
sure you Photoshop the local hoodies out of the
official album photos.
DEAR FONDA
, I don’t have a clue about weddings,
and I’m struggling to cope with the stress of
planning it all. How can I keep calm and make it
through to the day?
Vodka! People often compliment me on an exemplary
performance after a gig and are mesmerised by my
calm exterior. When they ask how I prepare, they
expect such insightful answer as prayers, rituals,
breathing exercises or yoga – but sadly the honest
answer is that two hand-poured vodkas can get me
through most of life’s stresses. Let’s face it, alternative
methods like yoga are only designed for those who
want to be able to bend in a way that enables them
to kiss their own behind, and where does that get
you? Friendless, with bad breath.
DEAR FONDA
, I can’t stand my fiancé’s family, and I
try to avoid themmost of the time. What are your
top tips on putting up with them for our entire
wedding day?
Pick a fancy cocktail as your welcome drink – I find
mojitos particularly effective when trying to conceal a
sedative in an unruly relative’s drink, due to its cloudy
appearance. Alternatively, book your wedding on a
Saturday afternoon on the opposite side of the
Dartford crossing from where they live. It will take
them five hours to cross it and they’ll be at least three
hours late, because the sat nav always lies – by which
point your wedding will be in full swing and you’ll be
too drunk to care.
DEAR FONDA
, I want a small wedding of 20 guests,
but my partner wants 200. Neither of us is budging.
What do we do?
Force him to pay for everyone if he wants a big
wedding. If he has that kind of cash spare to throw at
vol-au-vents and seat covers with colour-schemed
bows, then he’s clearly got more money than sense.
So stop your moaning and marry the fool! Think of
the designer handbags your life will be full of.
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is
available for hire – email
‘If you're not
marrying rich,
you’re not marrying
right, so if your
partner can’t pay
for your one
chance to be a
princess, maybe
it’s time to trade
them in.’
FondA
