surely marrying Kojak has far more kudos than
marrying an oompah loompa?
DEAR FONDA
, my partner’s a swinger – Sinatra, Dean
Martin, you name it – whereas I’mmore of a metal-
head. How can we avoid murder on the dancefloor?
Your partner’s a swinger eh? How exciting. I'd imagine
with a hobby like that it's not murder on the
dancefloor that you should be worried about, but
more bodily fluids, which can be a terrible slip hazard.
Oh hang on, I fear I may have misinterpreted your
question. Darling, remember – at a wedding, the
women will wear all manner of wired headpieces and
fascinators. Encourage any headbanging and those
things could fly across the dancefloor like a ninja
throwing star. Utter bloodbath! Take my advice – avoid
both of your tastes and stick with the more traditional
Black Lace classic party track Agadoo. No one ever lost
a limb pushing pineapples or shaking trees.
DEAR FONDA
, my partner is a terribly messy eater.
The thought of her tackling smoked haddock soup,
stroganoff and pavlova – wearing the lot and smelling
like an Aberdeen fishmonger – is giving me sleepless
nights. Should I insist we change to a finger buffet?
I’m guessing she'll be in a wedding dress, so just ensure
that the fabric is a lovely satin – it’s very smooth and
wipes clean easily. Trust me, I've worn satin on many
nights in saunas and I can simply wipe off anything
that comes at me! Failing that, have two trains made
for her dress and use the second one as a giant bib.
The last thing you want to do is give a messy eater a
finger buffet – one glance at a chocolate éclair and
she'll look like she fisted the vicar!
DEAR FONDA
, my mother-in-law-to-be has
announced she’ll be delighted to sing at our wedding
– and I’m the only one who thinks her voice is ghastly.
How can I head her off without causing an upset?
No one wants to hear a cats’ chorus at a wedding. My
best advice would be to buy some of those sugar
glasses that they use in films to smash over actors’
heads, and have her rehearse in front of you and your
friends. As she sings, make everyone squeeze their
glasses till they shatter – then insist that her voice has
far too strong a clarity to risk her performing at your
wedding, because no one wants to see the bride in a
Pinot Noir stained frock. She'll be flattered and you
won't need to put earplugs in the wedding favours.
DEAR FONDA
, my partner is so stingy – when we
ordered cheap matching suits for our wedding, I
secretly returned mine and had a bespoke version
made in Savile Row. Now he thinks we should share
bank accounts. How can I convince him that some
things are not for sharing?
I quite agree. A shared bank account has divorce
written all over it. And if he’s so cheap, does he have
money to share? It doesn’t sound like you stand to
gain anything. Tell him that he needs to keep his
finances separate if he wants to continue to
successfully claim single person’s tax credits. That
should shut him up!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox
is available for hire –
email
pink weddings magazine » 81
Ask FondA
‘Dear Fonda, we’re on
the countdown to our
wedding and my fiancée
is having regular spray
tans – she’s getting more
orange every week...’
FondA
