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pink weddings magazine » 101
Ask FondA
DEAR FONDA
, my in-laws hate me. I’ve tried to be nice,
but I’ve reachedmy limit. Where do I go fromhere?
I hear your pain; I had a mother-in-law who hated
me, but after several years of persevering I managed
to develop an attachment to her. It was a sort of cage
on a leather strap – some might call it a muzzle. But
sadly even that didn’t last – who knew that superglue
wears off as skin regenerates? I’ve developed a new
way to avoid this issue – I now only date illegal
immigrants. Usually their parents live thousands of
miles away, don’t speak your language, and when
they do come to visit, they believe that the garage is
your guest bedroom and are quite content to stay in
there. This also has the added advantage of being a
guaranteed way of finding a partner who’s not scared
of commitment.
DEAR FONDA
, with our wedding fast approaching,
my fiancée and I are arguing more than we ever have
before. Is this the jitters, or are we just not meant for
each other?
My mother always told me, ‘marriage is all about
compromise’, which must mean if you don’t agree on
anything you’re perfect for each other! Personally I
don’t understand it – my motto has always been,
‘Why buy a book when you can join a library?’ But
this is a wedding magazine, and my column is
sponsored by Tent Pole Erections Marquees Ltd, so I
have to talk you off the ledge. Why not start by
stirring a drop of Night Nurse into her gravy of an
evening, and crushing Valium into the sugar bowl,
while you opt for using artificial sweetener under the
pretext of ‘I have a dress to fit in to!’ You’ll soon find
your partner becomes complacent and much easier
to live with.
DEAR FONDA
, I told my other half that the venue he
fell in love with was booked up for years, but in
reality I just lied because I hated the look of the
place. How can I live with myself?
You are a wonderful person. Your lies were not selfish,
but in fact selfless – you have spared your friends from
eating a wedding breakfast in a venue where the
menu is printed on the placemats and each placemat
comes with a free packet of crayons. Besides, it’s best
to start your life together with your partner realising
that they always get a choice:
your
choice.
DEAR FONDA
, I just went for my final fitting, and my
dress is too tight. Alterations would be way out of
our budget at this point. What do I do?
Hire a marquee for the wedding and wear that instead!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is
available for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
‘I had a mother-in-law
who hated me, but
after several years of
persevering I managed
to develop an attach-
ment to her. It was a
sort of cage on a
leather strap – some
might call it a muzzle.’
FondA