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pink weddings magazine » 77
Ask FondA
you have to include someone else’s choices? If you
truly want his input, I always find using a partner’s
credit card to assist in all my party planning usually
rouses their interest. Ask him for his card, then with
the card in hand, sit down next to him and phone
Heston Blumenthal’s restaurant to enquire about
catering prices. He’ll soon take an interest and have
you catering the wedding breakfast at an all-you-
can-eat Chinese buffet.
DEAR FONDA
, I’m really shy and introverted and
I’m terrified about having to stand up and say my
vows in front of a room of 100 people. How can I
give myself a quick boost of confidence?
Vodka! It works for me – four shots of that and I can
entertain an army of people. Failing that, why not
follow the advice of most major pop stars and pre
record your vows; you can lip sync to them, and if
the CD skips, the stuttering effect will look perfectly
natural with your nervous disposition.
DEAR FONDA
, my mother is forcing me to ask my
only female cousin to be a bridesmaid, but I
absolutely hate her. Should I suck it up and ask her
to keep the family peace?
Bridesmaids’ roles are perfect for people you hate.
Who would ever ask their best friend to get up at
5am on a Saturday just so that she can have her hair
styled the same as your dumpy nieces? And force
them to wear peach taffeta and satin shoes with a
one-inch heel? Never get your friends to be your
bridesmaids – there’s too much fun to be had
controlling your archrival’s wardrobe and makeup
malfunctions on your big day. Call your cousin and
let the fun commence.
DEAR FONDA
, we don’t want to invite children to
our wedding, but lots of our friends expect their
ankle biters to be invited. How do we break it to
them politely?
I always think the easiest way to avoid this is to
ditch any friend that has children until their kids go
off to uni. No one wants a sleep-deprived friend out
with them on a night out, smelling of baby vomit,
on their smart phone every five minutes Skyping the
babysitter to say hi to their little babas. It also saves
you having to put god-awful paintings on your sleek
American fridge door every time they come to visit,
and then passing them off as impressionist art to
your gay friends. Failing that, you could always hold
the service and reception in a strip joint with a
strictly over-18s entrance policy.
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is
available for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
‘Never get your
friends to be your
bridesmaids – there’s
too much fun to be
had controlling your
archrival’s wardrobe
and makeup malfunc-
tions on your big day.’
FondA