DEAR FONDA
, My partner is still really close to his ex
– so much so he wants him to be his best man! I
don't want him at my wedding. Help me Fonda!
FONDA SAYS
: I'm still really close to my ex, he's under
my patio! Pick a morning suit colour that’s
unflattering for his ex – if he’s stylish he won’t dream
of attending. Or arrange your wedding in an idyllic
retreat in Thailand, plant a suspicious substance in the
ring box and ask your best man to look after it as you
pass through customs at Bangkok Airport. He won't be
able to spoil your wedding while trying not to drop the
soap at the Bangkok Hilton!
DEAR FONDA
, We always wanted a fantasy themed
wedding, with all our guests dressed up. Both sets of
our parents hate the idea – but they're paying for the
wedding! Should we give up our dream theme?
FONDA SAYS
: Go for a sci-fi theme and pass your
mothers off as Zelda from Terrorhawks and your
fathers as Patrick Stewart in his Star Trek days if
they’re old and bald. Pick a theme that incorporates
your parents’ image, and leave them to enjoy their
day blissfully unaware that they have paid to take
part in your circus of a wedding.
DEAR FONDA
, She’s a city girl and I’m a country lass,
so now we just can’t agree on the venue. How can
we compromise before there’s no wedding at all?
FONDA SAYS
: Have the wedding in Norwich – it looks
like a city but talks like the country, and if you invite
some of her poorer relations, no doubt one side of the
venue will smell like a farm too. Everyone’s happy!
DEAR FONDA
, My partner's just had the most awful
haircut a week before our wedding! It looks terrible,
but how can I tell him without hurting his feelings –
or our wedding photographs?
FONDA SAYS
: Ah, the age-old problem of partners styling
themselves, thinking they know best. Offer to tidy up the
back with clippers where the barber missed a spot, then
slip with the razor so he has to have a complete restyle.
Or if you think he'd look hot with a skinhead, switch his
shampoo for a bottle of Veet. Problem solved!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available
for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
pink weddings magazine » 27
Ask FondA
Ask
Fonda
Our agony aunt, the legendary
Fonda Cox
, answers your queries…
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