Breach of trust
With the help of One in Four’s Survivors’ Voices Project,
Gerard
shares his devastating experiences – a process that has
helped him to engage with therapy and start to rebuild his life
I WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY MY MOTHER
. Every part
of me felt ruined by this, all the way through me,
right to my soul. I thought I was the only one. It was
something I was certain I would never and could
never speak about. I didn’t even see it as sexual
abuse when I was a child as I only heard of uncles
abusing or perverts in parks, not a female, let alone a
mother, so I saw myself as having the most vile,
terrifying and disgusting things happen to me.
But it must have been my fault because it never
happened to anyone else in the world ever, and that’s
why I thought I was the most disgusting thing on the
planet. Even though I tried to stop it in any way I
could think of, I was also dependent on this person
for my life, food and shelter.
My first memories of it were as a five-year-old and
I still can’t get the contaminated feelings and taste
out of my mouth from what she made me do.
I feel I didn’t have a childhood. I have felt so
horribly isolated and alone in a world that was
unsafe, especially at home in any room, at any time. I
tried to speak out when I was five, but nothing was
done and it just made it worse, as I was told by my
mother that no one wanted to know and no one
would believe me.
As a young child I felt completely different to
everyone else. I knew I only had myself to depend on.
I cannot remember any moment in my childhood
being truly happy.
Self-annihilation, utter isolation, shame, self-
disgust, extreme trauma, anxiety, depression and anger
are all things I have lived with throughout my life; with
the resulting self-harm in many forms through having
no value to my life, and addictive tendencies to keep
away frommy inner reality and beliefs.
Waking up screaming in the middle of the night
or not sleeping at all for very long periods, or indeed
being overwhelmed with flashbacks, visual and non-
visual, day and night, as if in my worst nightmare,
and resulting suicide attempts. These were all my
symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
The horror of the years of abuse, which was
emotional and physical also, at times torturous on all
levels, still haunts me. The horrid, contaminating,
vile, and most disgusting thing that could happen
and the betrayal by the person who brought me into
the world – breaking what I believe should be a
sacred bond.
One in Four provides support and resources for
those who have experience of sexual abuse,
social settings. But they often withdraw or have serious impairment issues in
intimate relationships.
Behaviours and coping mechanisms common to both groups can include
impulses to abuse another person in some way; promiscuity, frigidity, suicidal
thinking, self-mutilation or absence from relationships. There is also a body of
evidence that psychosomatic medical disorders often accompany sexually abused
children later in life. Survivors can experience unexplained pelvic pain, irritable
bowel syndrome, cervical cancers and rashes. The issues are complex.
The good news is that the same key factors which cause some people to misuse
drugs and alcohol also provoke resilience, ie coping with chronic stress and coming
through it, developing inner controls and self regulation when provoked. The same
factors spur recovery from addiction, finding and maintaining social support,
developing a confiding relationship with someone, becoming a loving partner or
parent, and being involved in groups or religious organisations. Safe, familiar people
in whom an individual can confide buffer against stress since our stress systems are
designed to be calmed down with a nurturing word or touch from someone we trust.
It takes courage to talk about an adverse childhood experience, especially when
it may have become muddled or confused, and particularly if it was a sexual
experience. Encouraging individuals who are suffering as substance misusers to
speak about their early life experiences is often the start of helping them to
become released from the burden – and the real beginning of the healing process.
Elaine Rose is a child and family psychotherapist with a background as a social
worker. She is in private practice in Kent, specialising in work with all in the
adoption triangle.
July/August 2016 |
drinkanddrugsnews
| 9
More on mental health at
Encouraging clients to talk about their childhood can
help to release them from the long-suppressed trauma
of abuse, as psychotherapist
Elaine Rose
explains
closed doors
