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DEAR FONDA
, my partner is very stuck on the idea of
an expensive wedding with hundreds of guests,
whereas I always wanted a quiet ceremony. How do I
make her calm down?
FONDA SAYS
: With Christmas an all-too recent
memory, why not remind her of the presents you both
received from the people you're about to shell out on
foie gras for. When she remembers those HMV
vouchers and a box of Newbury fruits, she might just
change her mind!
DEAR FONDA
, my fiancé and I are going to Thailand
for our honeymoon and I’ve suddenly become self-
conscious about my hairy back. To wax or not to
wax?
FONDA SAYS
: You're going to Thailand! Most of the
WOMEN in Thailand have a hairy back – and quite a
few have an Adam’s apple too – but even so, a hairy
back is inexcusable in today’s society. Maybe keep it for
a fewmore weeks, till the weather warms up a bit, and
then join the hair-free masses by waxing. You might
find small children won’t be as scared of you when you
go swimming too. (Who said Gorillas in the mist..?)
DEAR FONDA
, I feel like I’m being rushed into this
commitment – we originally decided we would get
engaged and take the rest slowly. Am I just getting
cold feet?
FONDA SAYS
: Dare I say, if you don't want a
commitment ceremony, why get engaged?We've all
been with people we weren't sure of, but that’s
usually because we can't afford the rent on our own
and can't face moving again. It’s always embarrassing
when the removal man appears to have Parkinson’s,
until he puts your box marked ‘bedroom’ down and it
carries on vibrating. If you just want to stay put till
something better comes along, find a venue that only
performs five weddings per year. If it’s one of Jordan’s
favourites, even better – she gets married that often,
you'll be on the waiting list for years.
DEAR FONDA
, for the evening entertainment I want
cabaret and cocktails – he wants a live band and
beer. How can I make him a bit more classy?
FONDA SAYS
: Cabaret is such a civilised way to spend
an evening, why not send him along to one of my
shows – a full list of upcoming dates is on
www.fondacox.com… If that doesn't convince him,
and he's cute, how about I sleep with him and then
blackmail him, by threatening to tell you what he's
done if he doesn’t book me for the reception? He picks
cabaret, I get a gig, you marry an adulterer… hmm,
the idea might need work – unless you're in an open
relationship like me. I've spent the past five years
‘open’ he'll sod off!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available
for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
‘Cabaret is such a civilised
way to spend an evening,
why not send him along
to one of my shows… If
that doesn't convince him,
and he's cute, how about
I sleep with him and then
blackmail him, by threat-
ening to tell you what he's
done if he doesn’t book
me for the reception?’
pink weddings magazine » 91
Ask FondA
Ask Fonda
Our agony aunt, the legendary
Fonda Cox
, answers your queries…