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pink weddings magazine » 95
Ask FondA
extremely drunk before I could agree to go through
with it. My bridesmaids simply hid a shopping trolley
under my rather large meringue of a dress and hid the
handle in the train so that they could push me down
the aisle – that could be an option.
Alternatively, try wearing remote control cars as
roller skates – they’ll easily add six inches to your
height. Just make sure you have competent people
in charge of the controls, because the slightest loss
of synchronisation and you could end up doing the
splits at the altar.
DEAR FONDA
, I want to get married – but my fiancé
is dragging his feet! How can I nudge him in the right
direction (
ie
, the direction of what I want)?
Once you have a partner married to you, it’s easier to
get them to do what you want, because one false
move and they get no sex or lose half their house. But
with that in mind, it’s tricky to get them to willingly
put themselves in this situation in the first place. Slip a
little Night Nurse in their gravy to mellow them out
each evening, give them the performance of your life,
and they’ll be begging you to marry them before
someone else gets to steal you away.
DEAR FONDA
, My husband hates my dog – and the
feeling is more than mutual! I thought they would
eventually get along, but it’s just getting worse
every day. Do I really have to get rid of my pup?
Ah, such a tough choice. Do you:
A) get rid of the love of your life, who’s there for you
whenever you need them, always makes you smile,
and gives you unconditional love.
Or do you follow their wishes and:
B) get rid of the one who causes you huge bills,
regularly soils your kitchen floor, always kisses you
with bad breath, eats like an animal and leaves you
to pick up their crap every time you go out for a day.
I'd say the answer has to be B – get rid of the
husband. Besides, dogs are excellent judges of
character, and if your dog just happens to be hateful
towards any partner you select, you can always
share toys and be happy as a single person. I’ve
often trawled the aisles of Pets At Home looking for
cheaper alternatives to the best sellers at Ann
Summers – those vibrating rubber bones can negate
any need to settle down!
DEAR FONDA
, The cost of our wedding is starting
to get astronomical, and the level of stress that
accompanies it is just as bad. Would we regret it if
we eloped, just the two of us?
Not at all! I always think weddings are an expensive
way to treat your friends to lunch. And as a frequent
attendee of weddings, I’ve got to the stage where I’d
rather chew off my nipples without anaesthetic
than sit and listen to one more pensioner whose
table I’ve been placed on, looking over at the bride
and groom then looking over at me and saying
‘you’ll be next’. I've started to reverse this trend by
saying the same to pensioners whenever I attend a
funeral. Spare your guests the ordeal of one more
prawn vol-au-vent and a forced social interaction to
The Gap Band’s
Oops Up Side Your Head
. ELOPE!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is
available for hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
'Spare your guests
the ordeal of one
more prawn vol-
au-vent... elope!'
FondA