DEAR FONDA
, I'mworried that I'm going to look fat on my
wedding day but I don't have the stamina to keep to my
exercise and diet regime. What’s the best way to fake a
tiny waist?
FONDA SAYS
: The best way to fake a thin waist is to stand
next to a fat person I always find, but then you may end
up married to someone who resembles a Himalaya. Black
is a very slimming colour but not really appropriate for a
wedding dress unless you’re marrying a goth. So have
your hen night three weeks before your wedding and go
for a kebab in a shop where even the mice are asking for
Pepto-Bismol. Then just relax on the toilet as the pounds
melt away.
DEAR FONDA
, I hate my fiancé’s mother, but she's a
busybody who is determined to take over our day. How
can I stop this force of nature?
FONDA SAYS
:Why not accept her wishes and have one
invite printed up for the venue of her choice and send it to
her. There’s bound to be a wedding going on there if it’s a
popular venue, and if she’s that far up her own rear end,
the wedding party will be well into the speeches before
she even realises she’s at the wrong event. Who knows,
she might even like that family more and adopt them,
never to be seen again.
DEAR FONDA
, I want an action-packed ski honeymoon,
but my intended wants to chill on a beach somewhere.
What’s a good compromise?
FONDA SAYS
: Unfortunately I find it hard to sympathise, as
the only time I have ever gone skiing I nearly castrated my
instructor with my pole while attempting to stop. If you're
adamant about taking a ski trip, insure yourself heavily and
take to the slopes while he relaxes. Do a couple of black runs,
and while you're being airlifted home on a stretcher he can
use the insurance money to go to Gran Canaria.
DEAR FONDA
, my friend’s arranged a stripper for my hen
do, but if my fiancée finds out, she’ll kill me. I don't like
keeping secrets from her, but I’mworried about how she’d
react. Help!
FONDA SAYS
: Darling, how can you consider entering into
an institution as sacred as marriage if you're not prepared to
lie to a partner? It won't last five minutes! And that’s a huge
waste of £20k and 5,000 sugared almonds – the average
cost of a British wedding in 2012. If you genuinely can’t face
lying, throw your hen party at a naked disco and then the
stripper will be the most respectably dressed in attendance.
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for
hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
pink weddings magazine » 47
Ask FondA
Ask Fonda
Our agony aunt, the legendary
Fonda Cox
, answers your queries…
Gean House is an exceptional venue ...
as a setting for a wedding it is a fanfare for romantic celebration.
For more details or to arrange a viewing call 01259 226 400 or visit www.geanhouse.co.uk
wed ings as individual as you are