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DEAR FONDA
, my fiancé isn’t the slightest bit romantic –
he proposed to me one night while we were scoffing a
take-away. I want him to do something spontaneous at
our wedding to sweep me off my feet but I don’t think
he’s picking up my hints. What can I do?
FONDA SAYS
: Most people dream of a man who will shower
them in champagne, and rip their clothes off in a moment
of pure passion. I fear the only way you will achieve this is
to take him up to the honeymoon suite, decorate the room
with scented candles to create the mood, and after ensuring
that your ice bucket has a full bottle of champagne, drift
dangerously close to a candle and set your wedding outfit
alight. If he’s as unromantic as you say, the outfits will be
rented and insured, so no great loss, and he’s bound to use
the champagne as a makeshift fire extinguisher and roll
you on the ground to smother the flames. Hey presto you
get your romantic moment – and if you start by igniting
your cravat you may even manage to singe off those
unsightly nasal hairs before your honeymoon photos!
DEAR FONDA
, my mother is driving me crazy. She keeps
nagging at me about everything – my weight, my colour
scheme, even my choice of music for our first dance. I
love her and I can’t think of a polite way to tell her to
back off. Help.
FONDA SAYS
: Ohmy dear reader, how I sympathise with
you. My mother was exactly the same; drove me to
distraction. You'd think after years of living together, sharing
a life, a home, a family, I'd have managed to develop an
attachment for her, wouldn't you? And you'd be right, it was
made with two leather straps and a gauze – most people
would call it a muzzle. That’s what I call a solution!
DEAR FONDA
, my fiancée wants to have a jazz band for
our reception but I can’t stand that sort of music and
want a DJ to play all the latest songs and get our guests
up and dancing. Do we try to compromise or slug it out
over who will rule the reception entertainment?
FONDA SAYS
: Jazz bands are always a mistake at a
wedding! For a start they don't know anything by the
Gap Band, and no wedding is complete without arthritic
relatives throwing themselves on the floor for the Row
Boat Song – and have you ever tried doing the Macarena
to a Cleo Laine track? Not easy! Maybe you should allow
your partner to book the jazz band, and secretly phone
the band and change the date, then invite me to the
reception. When the band doesn’t show up, call upon
your trusty drag queen, performer, cabaret legend and DJ
to save the day! (Did I mention I'm available to DJ at
weddings, Bar Mitzvahs and funerals..?)
DEAR FONDA
, my better half and I want to arrive by
helicopter at our venue. Tacky or a truly show-stopping
entrance?
FONDA SAYS
: A truly inspired idea! Get your guests to
congregate outside your venue to welcome you as you
land. All those hideous fascinators will be swept away
by the down draught from the rotors and their hair will
be backcombed into a frenzy. It’s a guaranteed way to
avoid being upstaged on your big day, and saves your
wedding photos being ruined by a gaggle of middle-
aged women sporting so many gaudy coloured feathers
in their hair that they appear to be being attacked by a
swarm of gay seagulls.
DEAR FONDA
, we can’t decide between having a cash
bar and a lavish meal, or an open bar and a buffet at our
reception. We can’t afford to do both – how can we
please everyone?
FONDA SAYS
: It’s a gay wedding. No self-respecting gay
would eat carbs in public, so I suggest you go with the
free bar, and forget about food altogether. Those who
are genuinely hungry can eat the confetti – it tends to
be made of rice paper these days!
International cabaret legend Fonda Cox is available for
hire – email enquiries@fondacox.com
‘No self-respecting gay
would eat carbs in public,
so I suggest you go with
the free bar, and forget
about food altogether.’
pink weddings magazine » 63
Ask FondA
Ask Fonda
Our agony aunt, the legendary
Fonda Cox
, answers your queries…