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December 2014 |
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Conference |
Adfam – Families First
was her stupor. My loathing for her at that moment cannot really be put into
words, and yet she couldn’t remember any of it.
I went from being a model student to disruptive one and teachers would ask
what was wrong. My excuses were varied but never the truth – a shameful secret
I kept from everyone. I couldn’t tell them the reason I hadn’t handed in my
homework was because I had been busy cleaning up her vomit; or making tea for
the family, desperately trying to restore some normality to our chaos; or that I
had lain awake all night after a screaming match with a mad woman.
After leaving school I went to college and work. I went through a phase of
going out on weekends and drinking to complete oblivion. I wanted to know what
the attraction was; why she found such comfort in it. I found no comfort there, it
only led to more vicious rows and after one particularly horrendous weekend,
when I failed to come home, she threw me out.
I discovered I was pregnant on Christmas Eve 1986 and Laura Louise was
born on 24 May 1987. That sweet baby saved my life. Finally all the love I craved
from my own mother I was able to bestow on my perfect baby girl.
Sadly her father resented the fact that I had heaped the responsibility of being
a parent on to him and our relationship slid into a cycle of mental and physical
abuse. When a job came up with a local carpet company I applied hoping the
extra money would make life better for us all and fix things. It was there that I
met Glenn, who became my husband and a true father to my little girl – 20 years
later we are still together and happy as a family.
Mum had a massive stroke at 59 and for a time she forgot she drank, and was
sober. I visited and cared for her; we had a precious few months together with love
and clarity. I had a mum, even if it was for a short time, and she was doing really
well when sadly the wrong person stepped into her life again. She chose a path
that led eventually to complete organ failure, dying alone in a hospital with no one
there to hold her hand and tell it was okay to let go, or that she was loved.
I didn’t grieve for mum, after all no one really expected me to. Was she worthy
of grief? After all, she had chosen alcohol over her family. Then I read an article
in a newspaper, which directed me to an online charity called COAP – a place
where young people can talk openly and confidentially about their feelings, and
seek help and advice. Finally I could reach out and turn my negative experiences
into something positive.
I realised I wasn’t facing my own demons or coping with my own grief, so I
saw a Cruse counsellor who urged me to seek closure. I found mum’s final
resting place and wanted to ensure that those who loved her and needed closure
could say goodbye, knowing she was finally at peace. Dad kindly bought a plaque
for her, even though they had been divorced many years before. On a summer’s
afternoon recently we all gathered together and gave mum a fitting goodbye.
Saying goodbye to mum and giving her forgiveness was a huge part of my
journey; it helped enormously as forgiveness is easier to carry than bitterness.
Addiction has a ripple effect like a stone dropped on a pond, affecting
everyone it touches. We need to break down those barriers of shame and
silence, which is why groups like COAP and DrugFam are vital. Young people need
to feel they are being listened to and that they are not alone. We can’t change
their lives, but we can listen, share experiences and support them, helping them
find peace and closure.
home
‘We need to make the case for people recovering at a pace that suits them,’
said Boyt, while Maya Parker of Nacoa said ‘we have to use what’s already
there – use each other.’
This kind of mutual support was demonstrated effectively by Claire Robinson,
who explained how her organisation, Props, was formed for ‘women to prop
each other up’. Frommeeting in each others’ kitchens ten years ago because of
the lack of support and investment in family services, the group had became a
close-knit team that made carers feel listened to.
‘Respite is an important part of making sure people are physically and
emotionally well,’ she said. ‘We had over 300 referrals last year and that’s just
the tip of the iceberg.’
The current landscape was ‘challenging’ with ‘all of us expected to do more
for less’ and the threat of many small services disappearing. But Props was
determined to survive, she said. ‘With a small organisation you feel that
personal responsibility and that gives you the edge and determination to make
things happen.’
‘We’ve heard about the challenges of the future,’ said Adfam’s chief
executive Vivienne Evans, closing the conference. ‘The need hasn’t changed,
though the way we deal with it might have.
‘We’re trying to combat stigma and we need to have a movement – like the
recovery movement – to shout louder. Come on, let’s think. Luciana Berger
talked about hidden heroes in families, but there are also hidden sufferers.’
‘We dragged [my mum] into
her chair and left her to sleep
it off. When she woke up she
had wet herself, such was her
stupor. My loathing for her at
that moment cannot really be
put into words...’