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‘I’d like to think that
there’s a point at which
ministers have to change
course, just because the
evidence is so compelling.’
August 2013 |
drinkanddrugsnews
| 17
www.drinkanddrugsnews.com
Profile |
Caroline Lucas
IT HAD BEEN A CHOICE BETWEEN PRISON OR DETOX AND TREATMENT
.
I took detox and treatment. After a while prison began to seem like the choice
I should have made: I had a drug counsellor who was constantly getting in my
face and I had to sit in circles with idiots talking about ‘feelings’. I hadn’t had a
feeling much other than sick or numb for years, let alone have a discussion
about them. The only thing that kept me there was that my drug counsellor
was like me; Scottish, feisty and had been a junkie and criminal.
They made me go to 12-step meetings. I had been detoxed from alcohol
and drugs and four months later I was at one of these 12-step conventions.
There were hundreds of addicts like me, but they looked happy – I couldn’t
understand what they had to be happy about. Then I heard a woman talking
on stage. It was the same as all the others – took drugs, got bad, got clean. I
was zoning out.
Then she said something that woke me up: ‘In recovery, I got tested and
was diagnosed with HIV’. She stopped what she was saying and started crying.
She broke down on the stage, in front of everyone. I was embarrassed for her.
Then somebody behind me shouted ‘we love you’. Then another, and another
– until the entire hall of addicts were shouting and whooping and clapping.
That’s when it hit me. This is where I am meant to be. All those years, all
those scams, all those drugs – all I wanted was this. I wanted to belong.
It wasn’t all plain sailing after that. Detoxing was the easy part. I was 32
and had no idea how to live like normal people. Everything, from making a cup
of tea to getting a part-time job, was a first without drugs. Slowly, one day at
a time, I learnt how to live without a drink or a drug. I was able to make
amends to the people I had hurt. I was able to look my dad in the eye and
make peace with him before he died. I was able to be a son to my mum again.
Seven years after getting on my knees and begging for help in St Thomas’s
toilet, I found myself in the same cubicle after the birth of my son. I looked at
my reflection in the mirror and compared my happiness and joy with the
despair and dereliction of myself seven years before. I started to cry. This time
they were tears of gratitude. I was alive and I was happy.
It’s been 16 years since I went into that detox. In that time I’ve made some
mistakes, but I’ve never picked up a drink or a drug. I’ve got two beautiful
children, a loving girlfriend and my own counselling practice in Harley Street.
Most of all I have a peace of mind that I never thought possible.
Mark Dempster is author of Nothing to Declare: Confessions of an
Unsuccessful Drug Smuggler, Dealer and Addict, available now on Amazon.
Mark runs a Harley Street counselling practice and is an expert consultant
and trainer in addiction, www.markdempstercounselling.com
FIRST PERSON
NOTHING
TO DECLARE
In the sixth and final
part of his personal
story,
Mark Dempster
experiences an
unlikely epiphany